Strategies for Coping with Separation and Divorce
Going through a separation or divorce, with the exception of losing a loved one, is in my opinion the second most stressful event you will ever face. It is not easy for anyone no matter what the circumstances. There is inevitably going to be the huge waves of emotion such as stress, grieving, potentially some guilt and in many cases anger, all of which can lead to an long battle between the two parties. It has always been common for parties to immediately seek legal advice and start the battle with complicated and often harsh negotiations, often when they are not ready.
Before you do this, I urge you to consider the following:-
Look at all avenues for advice - do you need to go straight to a lawyer? You can get some initial advice to calm you but is there other support or advice you should be looking at first? If you matter is not urgent, consider Family Support Services and Family Courses rather than taking that legal path immediately. www.familyrelationships.gov.au
Put your children first – going through a separation or divorce is not easy, and if you are a parent you should always be considering the implications on your children. Continue to be a co-parent with your ex-partner as best you can, avoid over sharing the process, or having a conversation within earshot and at all stages avoid emotionally embroiling your children with negative comments about your ex-partner. Work on your communication skills and avoid any discussions about your separation in front of the children. My biggest tip in this area: make sure that you do not send any of the dreaded texts for emails that will come back to bite you future.
Remain calm – as always, this is much easier said than done, but in a period that is weighed down with emotions and potentially feelings of anger or depression, remaining calm allows for better focus. Consider self-care options, such as mediation, yoga or running: really just do the things that calm you and clear your thoughts. If at any stage you feel you cannot deal with certain aspects of the process, get a referral to a counsellor or psychologist who can assist you with the emotional side of things. It is important that you are able to deal with the emotions prior to engaging in any negotiation or long-term decision-making. No one can make a good decision when you are not in the right mind-set.
Look at the bigger picture – don’t get bogged down in the detail. In many cases, when it comes to dividing assets and possessions compare both the financial and emotional cost of arguing over household items or possessions verses replacing these items over time and/or once you have obtained a property settlement. Ask yourself: what is important to me and my family in the future? What are my needs and goals? How can I achieve these?
Moving Forward - When you are ready to move on consider all of the options for reaching a solution. You do not have to litigate. Ask you advisers to explain all of your options. If you do go to a lawyer, make sure that they are a specialist family lawyer and ask them to explain to you all of the options and pathways available to you in a family law matter you should also ask them to explain the pros and cons, including time and cost involved in all of the options.
Be Kind - Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time and take care of yourself. Treat yourself to things that make you feel good and make you feel better about the world.