How to avoid a Fight!
How do you avoid a flight following separation? Is it possible?
Firslty, lets think about the last time you were in an argument with someone, a real big one. Do you recall the anger, the frustration, the stress that this caused you? Do you recall how you felt during that argument, how you felt afterwards? Hurt, upset, bitter, distressed, angry!
There are definitely times in our lives where we need to stand up and fight, but there are also times when we should avoid a fight. The trick in this situation is to learn to stop thinking of it as a fight, but rather as a challenge in your life, a discussion without anger, without frustration and pain, to stay calm. This is not for the benefit of your opposition; but for you!
Following a difficult separation is definitely one of those times we need to avoid fighting. Most likely, you have already been through so much; and you are at the end of a long and painful road. You have just lost a relationship; your life will never look the same. Believe me, it is not the time to start fighting harder with each other, it is time to work together (no matter how hard), work together in your own kind and calm way, to create a better life, a life without fighting, pain and anger.
I believe you can avoid this cruel fight; you can avoid the ‘nasty divorce story’ if you are willing to work hard for it. This is all about your behaviour and your choices, being prepared and having a supportive team behind you.
Here are my crucial tips to keep you on the straight and narrow:
Stay Calm. It is not the time to take any drastic action. Avoid being reactive with your actions and decisions and stop the unnecessary texts and emails! Consider your responses wisely. Do you even need to respond? Change the mood where possible with a kind and calm response. Do not be aggressive, do not use emotions to make decisions.
Take extra care of yourself. Do things that make you feel good. Meditation, walking, yoga, running, massage. Eat well and get rest. Get support. If you are not coping, see you GP or a counsellor. You cannot make good decisions if you are not in the right frame of mind.
Behave. Set your own behaviour guide. Determine how you want to act, who you want to be now, during and after this separation. What are your morals and values? Stick to them. Live by them in every action, every conversation, every negotiation.
Forgive. If you need to, forgive. Let go of your resentment, anger and bitterness. If you do this, you will allow yourself to focus on positive and important aspects of your life.
Choose a Team. The right people. Have a considerable think about who you choose to be your ‘go to’ person. Someone who can support you and be calm and rational, not provoke more anger. Review all the resources available to you. Should you attend family counselling? Look into separation and parenting courses. Visit your local support services.
Research. Research and look for information you need to stay on a peaceful pathway. Look at what options you have and do your research before you take any action. Consider if you need legal advice just yet? If there isn’t anything urgent, line up all your ducks and get prepared and plan. It will save you time and money later. If you do get advice, choose a kind and calm lawyer, one who can explain all options aviable to you.
Consider. Consider the position of your spouse. Put yourself in their shoes. You need to get in the right frame of mind before you look to negotiate. Draw on your empathy in your thinking and decision making. Learn to listen carefully. If you listen to what the other party is saying, you will be amazed at what you hear, so many of us at this stage forget to really listen as we are trying to get our message across. We miss so much.
Your Position. Do not take a defensive or fixed position. If you do this, you often miss opportunities to find calm and amicable solution that would work for you. Be open to all possible options.
If you regularly consider these steps, tick as many off as possible, you really can lessen the bitterness and resentment in your life and feel calm and peaceful within yourself and avoid another fight. This is a time to be the best version of you, work on these items and you will thrive.
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Kirsty Salvestro, Family Lawyer, Mediator, Divorce Guide and Author, covers these topics and more in her new book “What are we fighting for? A Peaceful Pathway for Separating Couples” and teaches them via her online and face to face coaching programs. She has written a very practical book that will guide you through each of these steps and teach you the best possible way to navigate your separation peacefully. She is the founder of Flourish Family Law, a boutique firm that helps separated couples reach amicable agreements using all out of court solutions. Find out more at www.flourishfamilylaw.com.au